When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
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Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
“I FIXED IT!”
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?