I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
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[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
What my back needs
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.