The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
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facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
i baked you a cake
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
My what?
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.