Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
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my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”