I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
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What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.