Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
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You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
dads on road-trips be like
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
cat vs inanimate object
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.