Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
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Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Cow it started Cow it’s going
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.