me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
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POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
pizza
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Monday?
No. Next question.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”