From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
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Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?