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Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Speak now or ever hold your peace
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly