Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
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You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.