Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
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[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁