Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
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I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Beauty and the Beast
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.