Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
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Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
🚲+physics = winner
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
😅🤣😂
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]