12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
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So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.