Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
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After how many years should you clean your microwave?
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS