I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
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i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable