sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
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Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
#gardening
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
a fate I wish upon no one
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)