Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
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*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
This is a bad sign