Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
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“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME