Writing, She Murdered.
You Might Also Like
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume