[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
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[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*