[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
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This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
🍛
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago