I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
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If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.