Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
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My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…