Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
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*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Kids: Stay in school.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”