My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
You Might Also Like
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.