*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
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A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
That 👊
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven