ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
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make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Bond. Trauma bond.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Never go to sleep after making me angry
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics