GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
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Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
How to find Kentucky on a map
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍