When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
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I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*