[at funeral] You really had to see him live
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The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Barbie gone wild
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.