“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
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I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.