Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
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I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.