Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
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I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
👾👾👾
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
shut up and take my money
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.