just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
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I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I have no passwords left in me
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.