“and how does that make you feel?”
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Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
My dad is at it again
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle