God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
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I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.