If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
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“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Close call…
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
#TopTip
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game