[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
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I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not