“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
iPhone X
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.