Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
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[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.