I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
You Might Also Like
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
For the baby who has everything
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.