Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
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The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
how high up are we talkin’?
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier