Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
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whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.