Me checking my bank balance online.
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Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.