“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
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Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
notice
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Clients after you give them your rates
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”