GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
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People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
From Facebook just now…
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids