i would wish you the best but i am the best
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I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
#Caturday
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
my sentiments exactly
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally