I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
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This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.